A Welcome Betrayal

Lighting the last cigarette,
It always feels so familiar.
Just as stressful as the first,
Relaxing as the second,
Easy as the hundredth.

Fitting perfectly in my fingertips
I feel the betrayal in that very first kiss.
I tell myself,
I swear,
I promise,
No more after this.
This is my first last cigarette.

My second last cigarette,
I know I'll do it this time.
To break another promise to myself,
Now that would be a crime.
After just one hit,
Inhale,
Blow out...
I already miss it.
The feeling of knowing
I'm killing myself slowly...

My third last cigarette,
The third times the charm.
I know I will, I do.
This time,
I have another person to be accountable to.
And I'm telling you, my love,
I promise, this will be my last last one.

But days and months,
Then years go by.
I still see that cigarette,
Out of the corner of my eye.

Just one more first time,
Just one more betrayal.
It calls,
Beckons,
Begs me
To set it aflame.
To remind myself,
I welcomed the betrayal
Within that first kiss.