My Morning Coffee

My morning coffee
It comes to greet me
Ever so sweetly,
Like a long lost friend
With a kiss on the cheek.

Such a relaxing way
To start my day.
If it's early and quiet enough.

Nightmares

Do not make me sleep alone tonight
I fear, if you are not by my side,
I may not survive.
My past, it haunts me,
In nightmares unexplainable.
Reminders of what was, what never was
And what will never be.

I cannot escape my past,
It follows me,
Even as I sleep.

But with your arms around me tight,
I find the courage to face the night.
You make me feel strong,
I know I am safe.
Please do not leave me,
Not in this place.
Not in this world of nightmares galore,
So realistic I think I am already awake.

So wrap your arms around me,
Baby hold me tight.
With you by my side,
Everything is right.

The People We Use To Be

Whether it's morning, afternoon or night,
If I'm waking you up,
You want to fight.
I try to talk it out,
You shut me down,
But get upset when I don't want to talk.

What happened to the days spent texting?
The nights of phone calls past 3 am?
What happened to joking?
To looking before you react?
To "Good morning beautiful"
And "Goodnight, I love you"?

I miss the days without all the stress.
When expectations weren't unreachably high
And all the double standards didn't apply.
I miss the days when we didn't get mad,
We just thought before speaking...
And we understood.

What happened to dreaming impossible dreams?
To achieving the unachievable things?
What happened to sticking together,
Though all the odds were piled against us?

Now that we have reached our dreams,
Achieved what we set out to achieve,
Now that the odds are in our favor
And no one stands in our way,
Does that mean we must stop dreaming?
Stop setting goals to achieve?
Must we now fail apart,
Refuse to defy the odds?

What happened to the people we used to be?
And please, please tel me,
What the hell has taken over our bodies?

Going Somewhere

Waking up,
It's a quarter after noon.
He pulls on his socks
And looks for his shoes.
Where is he going?
Not even he knows.
Anywhere but here,
Or so he hopes.

Waking up early,
It's 5:30 in the morning.
She's in no hurry,
But rushes to get ready.
Purposefully avoiding the bus,
She walks the other way
And begins her day
Walking to school in the cold.

They don't know what they're doing
No clue where they're going.
Are we even going anywhere?
They wonder as the walk down a road
Clearly labeled no where.

Life is like any other story
With a beginning, middle and end.
Its what you do with your middle that matters,
It's not important where you begin.
Just make the most of it
And don't worry, baby,
Nobody's perfect.

2 am

2 am can be for company,
For those who are wild, crazy and free.
2 am is also for the lonesome,
Even if their loneliness is temporary.
2 am is for the faithful,
For those who will never leave.
2 am is for the thoughtful,
For those with thoughts that won't go away.
2 am is for artwork and writing,
Exciting drives and trips to Wal-Mart.
It is for walking downtown,
When you're feeling dangerous.
It is not for those who just lay around.

Carrot Stick or Cupcake

Carrot stick,
Cupcake,
Or nothing at all?
Today,
Will I choose healthy,
Or will I say forget it all?
I try not to let it get to me,
When people tell me I'm too skinny.
Or when others give me looks
And say I'm starting to get a belly.
I've been there before,
Where I let it all affect me.

Trying to cover up
My strange behavior with lies,
Eating food just to kill time,
Or skipping meals daily,
In hopes I'll starve myself just enough
Without losing myself completely.

I don't understand
Why people can't just accept me as I am.
If I'm healthy
And I'm happy,
Just let your opinions go unsaid
And remind me that you love me.

I am human,
I promise you I am.
I know I act as though it doesn't,
But your words just slowly kill me.
Slicing like a knife
Through every part of my being.
Just leave me alone
Or lose me completely.

The Artist

Graphite stains my fingertips,
As once again,
I return to it.
The same place I always go,
Whenever my hopes get a little low.

I put the pencil to the paper,
Lets take things slow.
No more than an hour,
But I already know.
In a week's time,
I will be left behind.
And what moves on is a different me: the artistic side.

I find comfort in knowing,
It has returned.
My form of expression,
The one I have learned.

It keeps me up all night,
I stay occupied during the day.
People start to ask themselves-
"Is she okay?"
With fingertips black,
Clothes covered in paint.
She tells them "I'm an artist"
Then whispers to herself,
"Don't you know? I'm never okay."

Some days it makes me happy,
More joyful than ever.
But I know,
Eventually,
I will slip.
I will return to that dark place.

I am an artist,
Will I ever truly be okay?

A Welcome Betrayal

Lighting the last cigarette,
It always feels so familiar.
Just as stressful as the first,
Relaxing as the second,
Easy as the hundredth.

Fitting perfectly in my fingertips
I feel the betrayal in that very first kiss.
I tell myself,
I swear,
I promise,
No more after this.
This is my first last cigarette.

My second last cigarette,
I know I'll do it this time.
To break another promise to myself,
Now that would be a crime.
After just one hit,
Inhale,
Blow out...
I already miss it.
The feeling of knowing
I'm killing myself slowly...

My third last cigarette,
The third times the charm.
I know I will, I do.
This time,
I have another person to be accountable to.
And I'm telling you, my love,
I promise, this will be my last last one.

But days and months,
Then years go by.
I still see that cigarette,
Out of the corner of my eye.

Just one more first time,
Just one more betrayal.
It calls,
Beckons,
Begs me
To set it aflame.
To remind myself,
I welcomed the betrayal
Within that first kiss.

Growing Up

I came to a realization the other day.
I now understand something new
And it makes me pretty sad.
I knew that life flew by so very fast,
But I've never seen It this way before.
The future is knocking,
Pounding,
Pushing down my door.

I'm an adult,
But my mother doesn't see me this way.
In her eyes,
I'm still that little baby she held
On the vert first day.
The first day of my life.
The first page of my story

I don't have children of my own,
There is no baby of mine for me to hold.
But, with my niece and nephew,
I will be the same way.

I will always see my oldest nephew
As the little boy I took care of
While his mommy was sick.
The baby who slept in my bed,
Played my guitar,
And woke up at 3 in the morning,
Crying for me.
The two year old who tried to sing along with veggie tales,
Even though he could barely speak.

And then,
My little dinosaur lover.
The one who said he was in love with me,
And claimed that, one day, he would marry me.
He will always be
That little baby,
Laying on the floor,
The day I was forced to say goodbye.
The one who became attached to me,
The moment I came back.

And then, my niece,
My little baby girl.
The one who dresses as a princess
To go play dinosaurs.
Sitting in the backseat,
Singing her little heart out.
Knocking on my door,
In the morning around four,
Wanting me to fill her sippee cup
With just a little more.

And then the baby baby.
I was there the day he was born.
His eyes stared into mine,
As his tiny hands
Grasped my finger,
With a grip so tight,
For one so little.
I woke up every time you cried,
I changed your diapers,
Made your bottle,
And rocked you till you fell asleep,
Safe and warm,
On the chair with me.

With eyes full of wonder,
You four stole my heart.
With a fifth on the way,
I'll still spoil you all.

But here's what I realized,
Let me tell you what broke my heart.
When you are older,
After you've graduated,
And you're married,
When you have nieces and nephews of your own.
You aren't going to need me.
Not at three in the morning when you can't sleep,
You won't need me to pick out your clothes,
Or get you a drink.
The only princesses and dinosaurs
Will be for the children
You have of your own.

One day you won't need me,
And that's what breaks my heart.
But I will still be here for you,
Whenever the night is too dark.

When you are tired,
And they need you.
When you're confused,
And don't know what to do,
Once again, I will be the auntie who saves the day.

So now I want to say thank you,
To my mom and dad,
Aunts and uncles,
My grandparents,
And every family member who was there from day one.
I just want to say thank you.
Thank you,
And I'm sorry for growing up.

Prisoner

Not everyone knows,
So few can see
The connection between my past
And this new me.

Not much has changed,
To you, I am the same.
But my reflection tells me otherwise.
I don't even recognize my own name.

I miss the lack of insecurity,
I miss the confidence in me.
I miss the days, so long ago,
Without anxiety.

I want to breathe,
To feel unconstrained.
I want to know
It is not these things by which I am defined.

But I cannot know that,
I cannot breathe.
For it is not so,
In your mind, it does define me.

I wish there was some magic cure,
I don't want to live this way.
I am a prisoner of my own mind
And know your love is the only way
I will survive.

When Tomorrow Comes

When yesterday comes
And you are happy,
Once again laughing
At jokes spoken too many times.
When you stop running,
And we are again playing,
Like we once did,
In the long since forgotten snow.
When yesterday comes
And there is now more crying,
No more silent tears
Staining your pillow.
When we remember who we are
And why we are here,
When we are there for each other
We will know.
When yesterday comes
We will know what it means
What it means when you say forever.
When yesterday comes
We will remember
We made a promise.
Best friends forever.
When yesterday comes
We will call each other,
Go out of our way to find time for each other,
It will be like it once was
Not so long ago.
So let’s find a time machine,
Rewind and fix our mistakes,
Bring back yesterday
And reach out to each other,
Before yesterday is too far gone
And we are far too late.