My morning coffee
It comes to greet me
Ever so sweetly,
Like a long lost friend
With a kiss on the cheek.
Such a relaxing way
To start my day.
If it's early and quiet enough.
Do not make me sleep alone tonight
I fear, if you are not by my side,
I may not survive.
My past, it haunts me,
In nightmares unexplainable.
Reminders of what was, what never was
And what will never be.
I cannot escape my past,
It follows me,
Even as I sleep.
But with your arms around me tight,
I find the courage to face the night.
You make me feel strong,
I know I am safe.
Please do not leave me,
Not in this place.
Not in this world of nightmares galore,
So realistic I think I am already awake.
So wrap your arms around me,
Baby hold me tight.
With you by my side,
Everything is right.
About a year and a half ago, my best friend came home for the first time after months of being in military school. Knowing she was only home for a few days and that soon we would be limited to writing letters as our only form of communication, we made the best of the time we had while she was home.
Her first night back, she introduced me to something wonderful that you wouldn't expect one to learn at military school- S'more Nachos.
She shares this amazing creation with me, and now I am going to share it with you.
What you will need:
1 cake/brownie pan (size doesn't matter. If you want lots of nachos, use a big pan, if you only want a little, use a little pan.
Hershey's king size chocolate bars
1. Line the bottom of the pan with graham crackers
2. Cover the Graham crackers with chocolate
3. Top the chocolate with marshmallows
4. Repeat steps 1-3 into satisfied
1. Place pan in oven at 350
2. Bake for 10 minutes
1. Using a spatula or fork, break it into pieces
2. Using fingers, spoons, forks or ladles, dig in and enjoy a little taste of heaven.
Whether it's morning, afternoon or night,
If I'm waking you up,
You want to fight.
I try to talk it out,
You shut me down,
But get upset when I don't want to talk.
What happened to the days spent texting?
The nights of phone calls past 3 am?
What happened to joking?
To looking before you react?
To "Good morning beautiful"
And "Goodnight, I love you"?
I miss the days without all the stress.
When expectations weren't unreachably high
And all the double standards didn't apply.
I miss the days when we didn't get mad,
We just thought before speaking...
And we understood.
What happened to dreaming impossible dreams?
To achieving the unachievable things?
What happened to sticking together,
Though all the odds were piled against us?
Now that we have reached our dreams,
Achieved what we set out to achieve,
Now that the odds are in our favor
And no one stands in our way,
Does that mean we must stop dreaming?
Stop setting goals to achieve?
Must we now fail apart,
Refuse to defy the odds?
What happened to the people we used to be?
And please, please tel me,
What the hell has taken over our bodies?
The following conversations are between my niece (2), my nephew (3) and I. Because I have yet to put my name in any online posts, I'm not sure if I am comfortable posting their names either. So, for now, they will be known as "Princess" and "Dinosaur".
Princess: Water spin? (Keep in mind, she is two, and this sounded more like "What er spi?)
Princess: Water spin?
Princess: Yea. Water spin.
Me: You want to spin with the water?
Me: No, you can't spin with the water.
Me: Because, Princess, it'll spill.
Me: Yea. Spill.
Dinosaur: *brings me a chip* This one's yucky.
Me: It's yucky?
Me: It's okay. You don't have to eat that one.
Dinosaur: No, I want you to eat it.
Dinosaur: The trex! The trex is coming!
Me: It is?
Dinosaur: No! It's a triceratops!
Me: Oh okay.
Dinosaur: I want you boom it!
Me: You want me to boom it?
Dinosaur: Yea, I want you boom the triceratops.
Me: Okay. *Maybe two minutes later*
Dino: No! Don't kill the triceratops. I want you get the trex!
You wonder why I get so upset
When you act like that.
You get mad,
You call me a smart ass.
But, honestly, you scare me.
You don't know it,
But you do.
When you do these things, even accidentally,
It reminds me of my parents,
And how they used to be.
I don't ever want to he like that
And, baby, It truly scares me.
I don't want to yell, to scream, to fight,
I don't want to cry myself to sleep
I don't want to live in fear
Whenever you are here.
Why can't you see
What you're doing to me?
I feel like I'm losing you.
You're changing into someone
Someone I don't know
I'm losing you
And, baby, it scares me.
It's a quarter after noon.
He pulls on his socks
And looks for his shoes.
Where is he going?
Not even he knows.
Anywhere but here,
Or so he hopes.
Waking up early,
It's 5:30 in the morning.
She's in no hurry,
But rushes to get ready.
Purposefully avoiding the bus,
She walks the other way
And begins her day
Walking to school in the cold.
They don't know what they're doing
No clue where they're going.
Are we even going anywhere?
They wonder as the walk down a road
Clearly labeled no where.
Life is like any other story
With a beginning, middle and end.
Its what you do with your middle that matters,
It's not important where you begin.
Just make the most of it
And don't worry, baby,
2 am can be for company,
For those who are wild, crazy and free.
2 am is also for the lonesome,
Even if their loneliness is temporary.
2 am is for the faithful,
For those who will never leave.
2 am is for the thoughtful,
For those with thoughts that won't go away.
2 am is for artwork and writing,
Exciting drives and trips to Wal-Mart.
It is for walking downtown,
When you're feeling dangerous.
It is not for those who just lay around.
Sitting on the floor
In a room full of color,
I think about the past,
About the life I could've had.
So many things
That could've ended better.
I'm not asking for a happily ever after,
Just a childhood a little bit less
Like a Steven King novel.
Daddy, my daddy,
Why did you have to drink?
You could've stopped,
You could've waited,
You know you're violent when drunk.
Mommy and daddy,
They threw it all away.
Couldn't break through the addiction
To save their little girls from a whole lot of pain
Even on Christmas day.
18 houses in 18 years,
Always moving around,
Never staying in one place.
Just long enough to breathe.
To get a grasp on this tornado called life,
Just to have it start back up again.
Every form of abusive
From every direction.
Scared and threatened,
Retreating into a skin so outrageous
She doesn't even recognize her self.
But if Daddy hadn't drank,
Mommy wouldn't have left him.
She wouldn't have remarried
And they never would be moved around.
If any one of these things,
Even the fight on Christmas morning,
Hadn't gone the way it did,
She wouldn't have met her Prince Charming
And wouldn't be living happily ever after.
In a story so rare,
A miracle happened.
A nightmare became a dream,
And she moved on
To do wonderful things.
Or nothing at all?
Will I choose healthy,
Or will I say forget it all?
I try not to let it get to me,
When people tell me I'm too skinny.
Or when others give me looks
And say I'm starting to get a belly.
I've been there before,
Where I let it all affect me.
Trying to cover up
My strange behavior with lies,
Eating food just to kill time,
Or skipping meals daily,
In hopes I'll starve myself just enough
Without losing myself completely.
I don't understand
Why people can't just accept me as I am.
If I'm healthy
And I'm happy,
Just let your opinions go unsaid
And remind me that you love me.
I am human,
I promise you I am.
I know I act as though it doesn't,
But your words just slowly kill me.
Slicing like a knife
Through every part of my being.
Just leave me alone
Or lose me completely.
Graphite stains my fingertips,
As once again,
I return to it.
The same place I always go,
Whenever my hopes get a little low.
I put the pencil to the paper,
Lets take things slow.
No more than an hour,
But I already know.
In a week's time,
I will be left behind.
And what moves on is a different me: the artistic side.
I find comfort in knowing,
It has returned.
My form of expression,
The one I have learned.
It keeps me up all night,
I stay occupied during the day.
People start to ask themselves-
"Is she okay?"
With fingertips black,
Clothes covered in paint.
She tells them "I'm an artist"
Then whispers to herself,
"Don't you know? I'm never okay."
Some days it makes me happy,
More joyful than ever.
But I know,
I will slip.
I will return to that dark place.
I am an artist,
Will I ever truly be okay?
Lighting the last cigarette,
It always feels so familiar.
Just as stressful as the first,
Relaxing as the second,
Easy as the hundredth.
Fitting perfectly in my fingertips
I feel the betrayal in that very first kiss.
I tell myself,
No more after this.
This is my first last cigarette.
My second last cigarette,
I know I'll do it this time.
To break another promise to myself,
Now that would be a crime.
After just one hit,
I already miss it.
The feeling of knowing
I'm killing myself slowly...
My third last cigarette,
The third times the charm.
I know I will, I do.
I have another person to be accountable to.
And I'm telling you, my love,
I promise, this will be my last last one.
But days and months,
Then years go by.
I still see that cigarette,
Out of the corner of my eye.
Just one more first time,
Just one more betrayal.
To set it aflame.
To remind myself,
I welcomed the betrayal
Within that first kiss.
A little over a year ago, I was in one of my creative moods, but I was lacking inspiration. So, in an effort to cure me of my "artists' block", I put in my head phones and put my phones music selection on shuffle. Sitting on my bed, sketch book and pencil in hand, I began drawing random lines. When I came to this song (Lead Me to the Cross by Hillsong United), I knew I had it- my inspiration. Music had once again cured me.
I came to a realization the other day.
I now understand something new
And it makes me pretty sad.
I knew that life flew by so very fast,
But I've never seen It this way before.
The future is knocking,
Pushing down my door.
I'm an adult,
But my mother doesn't see me this way.
In her eyes,
I'm still that little baby she held
On the vert first day.
The first day of my life.
The first page of my story
I don't have children of my own,
There is no baby of mine for me to hold.
But, with my niece and nephew,
I will be the same way.
I will always see my oldest nephew
As the little boy I took care of
While his mommy was sick.
The baby who slept in my bed,
Played my guitar,
And woke up at 3 in the morning,
Crying for me.
The two year old who tried to sing along with veggie tales,
Even though he could barely speak.
My little dinosaur lover.
The one who said he was in love with me,
And claimed that, one day, he would marry me.
He will always be
That little baby,
Laying on the floor,
The day I was forced to say goodbye.
The one who became attached to me,
The moment I came back.
And then, my niece,
My little baby girl.
The one who dresses as a princess
To go play dinosaurs.
Sitting in the backseat,
Singing her little heart out.
Knocking on my door,
In the morning around four,
Wanting me to fill her sippee cup
With just a little more.
And then the baby baby.
I was there the day he was born.
His eyes stared into mine,
As his tiny hands
Grasped my finger,
With a grip so tight,
For one so little.
I woke up every time you cried,
I changed your diapers,
Made your bottle,
And rocked you till you fell asleep,
Safe and warm,
On the chair with me.
With eyes full of wonder,
You four stole my heart.
With a fifth on the way,
I'll still spoil you all.
But here's what I realized,
Let me tell you what broke my heart.
When you are older,
After you've graduated,
And you're married,
When you have nieces and nephews of your own.
You aren't going to need me.
Not at three in the morning when you can't sleep,
You won't need me to pick out your clothes,
Or get you a drink.
The only princesses and dinosaurs
Will be for the children
You have of your own.
One day you won't need me,
And that's what breaks my heart.
But I will still be here for you,
Whenever the night is too dark.
When you are tired,
And they need you.
When you're confused,
And don't know what to do,
Once again, I will be the auntie who saves the day.
So now I want to say thank you,
To my mom and dad,
Aunts and uncles,
And every family member who was there from day one.
I just want to say thank you.
And I'm sorry for growing up.
I promise I don't want to fight,
I don't mean to sound defensive.
In my mind,
You sound as though your attacking me,
And pride takes over my whole body.
I know I make mistakes
And I know that I am not perfect.
I only want to talk to you,
Baby, I promise, you're worth it.
It seems like they happen all the time.
I just want it to go away.
I don't mean to make you angry,
I never meant to hurt you.
I hope you believe me,
When I tell you that I am so, so sorry.
There's a reason I never tell you,
Why I try not to let you know,
Just how much you've hurt me.
I promise, you don't want to know.
I know you didn't mean to,
That's why I don't hold it against you.
I know you love me
And want the best for me,
Just know, I want the same for you.
I've said it before,
But I can't say it enough.
Baby, I love you.
I love you so much.
Not everyone knows,
So few can see
The connection between my past
And this new me.
Not much has changed,
To you, I am the same.
But my reflection tells me otherwise.
I don't even recognize my own name.
I miss the lack of insecurity,
I miss the confidence in me.
I miss the days, so long ago,
I want to breathe,
To feel unconstrained.
I want to know
It is not these things by which I am defined.
But I cannot know that,
I cannot breathe.
For it is not so,
In your mind, it does define me.
I wish there was some magic cure,
I don't want to live this way.
I am a prisoner of my own mind
And know your love is the only way
I will survive.
It runs from my shoulder
All down my arm
Reaching my fingertips
Dripping onto paper.
It comes in many colors
And it takes shapes I've never seen.
It forms words on my paper
Spelling out ingenious things.
Pouring down my arm,
Racing down my hand.
Drizzling from my fingertips,
Is this all I am?
I bleed ink on a daily basis.
I could do it my sleep.
Straight from my heart,
Then it runs down my sleeve.
It drips ever so slowly
As it races towards the paper.
Of becoming some beautiful work of art.
I bleed ink from every fingertip
It's taking over me.
I need to stop for a moment
I need some time to breathe.
Running from my heart,
Racing over all of me,
Reaching for the stars
As if from some long lost dream.
It's no dream any more,
This is reality.
Reality becomes a nightmare
As it takes over all of me.
I bleed ink,
As though that is all I am.